Soul-Filling Satisfaction

What would truly satisfy my soul? It is easy to come up with things that would satisfy a lot of different aspects on my life.

• Unlimited sources of money to satisfy financial stability
• A toned, fit body to satisfy my health needs
• A beautiful house to satisfy a need for a home
• A husband to satisfy my longing for family (this is getting a little personal)

But my soul???? 

Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind is God. He is the only One to provide true soul satisfaction. What does our/my soul need to be filled with - joy, peace, contentment? Knowing where we are lacking gives us the opportunity to specifically pray and opens us to allow God, in His completely amazing way, to fill these voids. He will fill voids we don't even realize we have.

My list of worldly satisfaction, which can all be completely harmless, doesn't truly satisfy my soul. They provide happiness for a moment, but I will always be looking for what's next. God has allowed some people to be professionally successful. He has given us each individual bodies that respond differently. He provides all kinds of living arrangements. And in His plan, some are single and some are married.

But it goes deeper. 

• Unlimited sources of money to satisfy my pocketbook - is this to buy material possessions to fill my soul with stuff?
• A toned, fit body to satisfy my vanity - is this so people's view of me is higher to satisfy my soul with pride?
• A beautiful house to satisfy my comfortability - does this show my "worth" to the world so my soul is satisfied by material possessions?
• A husband to satisfy my insecurity because I am not married - am I looking for an earthly relationship to satisfy me in a way that only God can?

So what one good thing would I ask from God to help me feel a deep and soul-filling satisfaction? More…more of God. Psalm 107:9 is a great verse because it isn't specific with the longing or the hunger. God satisfies and fills. That's it and I don't need anything more.

(Pity) Party Central

I rely on myself in my battle for weight loss all. the. time. To be honest, before this study, I didn't look at it any other way. It wasn't something I asked God to help me with. I got myself into this, so I have to get myself out. And I fail, get upset and the cycle continues. My own strength is quite powerless.

I joined Weight Watchers again last week and went to my first meeting last night. For me, it is a great program. It helps me with portion control and being aware of what I am eating, which is where my struggle lies. I am not a snacker, but during meal times, I want a lot of food.

The topic this week was about emotional eating. How to control it, what to do instead, etc. So, as I am sitting through the meeting, where helpful, practical tips are shared, a light bulb went off. Yes, the suggestions were good and would be helpful, but I have something, Someone, on my side. We are made to crave, just not food. The suggestions of exercising or doing a hobby were good to help stay away from food, but there is a bigger issue to be dealt with. Will this be something I struggle with forever? Not if I completely and totally give it to God, it won't! But that wasn't the case for the other people in the room. This was going to be a life long battle for them. There wasn't any hope of truly being free from food. 

Someone even brought up the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." The first thing I thought of was, "Nothing tastes as good as PEACE feels." It isn't about being skinny. It is about having peace - the peace of God. My eyes were really opened. I can't do this on my own. I don't want to do it on my own.

I am excited to really push forward with my weight loss knowing that it isn't just about becoming skinny. It is about being healthy because that is what God wants. He wants the best for me and I can't allow anything else to control me.

Delighting in Obedience

Choosing to not be defined by the number on the scale, is a hard choice. I have used that number to secretly define myself for a long time. If the number is up, then I am a failure. If it is down, I want it to go down farther.

So much emphasis is put on weight, looks, the physical appearance in general. Not only do I judge myself by physical attributes, but that judgement has also gone past myself to other people. Neither is good and definitely, neither is beneficial. It puts my mind and spirit in a dark place.

Jesus wants us to be in the light. When I focus on the number on the scale, I am putting the emphasis on me, whether it is good or bad. It is really a selfish thing to do. When I am focusing on my obedience to God, the emphasis moves. It becomes about Jesus and who I am in Him.

My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Right now, I am not super happy with my weight, but my body is still a temple of the Holy Spirit. As I become healthier, my body will still be a temple of the Holy Spirit. That doesn't change.

As I am going through this study, it is hard for me to think why I have never connected my physical and spiritual health. God gave use abilities and skills and it is dishonoring to Him when I am not doing everything I can to bring God glory.

Being skinny, by the world's definition, only brings happiness. And that happiness is completely dependent on the number on the scale. Joy comes from the Lord. When my weight brings down my spirit, the joy of the Lord is not evident in my life. I am made to crave, but only to crave God, not a certain weight or food. Once my focus changes from me to God, then I will truly be delighting in obedience.

Sweet Place of Breakthrough

My breakthrough came at the end of last summer. I had gotten to a point of being so dissatisfied with myself and how heavy I had become. I was uncomfortable in my clothes. I was never happy with how I looked. I was miserable.

I started Weight Watchers in August. This was going to be my time. I just knew it. It wasn't because my mom had encouraged me to go. It was because I wanted to go. I needed to go. So I followed the plan and watched what I ate. I learned what I could eat so I wasn't feeling deprived. And slowly, but surely, the pounds came off. I lost the first 5, then 10 and, can you believe it, 15. I had broken through my mental barrier that to eat healthy meant feeling deprived. I felt really good - about myself and about my weight loss.

But then it stopped. I stopped.

I went out of town, didn't grocery shop and got lazy. I stopped going to the meetings and then canceled my membership altogether. And of course, the weight came back on. I have gained about 5 pounds back. That may not seem like a lot, but I have a long way to go before I am at a healthy weight.

Knowing I was gaining weight and then seeing I was gaining weight, brought about the cycle again. Dissatisfied with myself at how heavy I had become. I am uncomfortable in my clothes. I am not happy with how I look. I am miserable.

That was the main reason the Made to Crave study was one that I was desperate to do. But I have been a slacker, not completing the assignments and just being lazy. The Excuse Monster is all over the place. Work is stressing me out. It is so cold that going outside is a chore, so it is easier to stay inside and plop on the couch.

But in the back of my head is the gnawing of needing to get healthy and knowing I can do it. I think Weight Watchers is great. I like their approach and it works. I can attest to that. But I need the spiritual part to really make it life transforming. Sure, losing weight in and of itself is good. But it becomes all about me. I look good because of the work I did. Look at me and how much better I feel. I, me, I me. There is no God. It is through God alone that the true life transformation can begin. He is the only that can truly satisfy.

Maybe this was another breakthrough! :)

#Empowered

What a week it has been so far! As I mentioned last week, I am participating in a Proverbs 31 Ministries Online Bible Study. I have jumped into it feet first because struggling with my weight and being healthy in general is something I battle with month after month, year after year. I am taking advantage of every opportunity I can get to join in to learn from other people and share in their triumphs and encourage them in defeat.

Because I am taking this seriously and not being blasé about it, I am feeling empowered! I am not alone in my struggle and I have sisters in Christ who are feeling the same way I am. But with the power of Christ in us, we are overcoming our physical cravings and satisfying them with a spiritual one - craving God!

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord, my heart and my flesh cry out for the Living God.

Psalm 84:2

But this week hasn't been easy, either. I still have to be conscious of what I am putting in my mouth. I have to make the decision to work out. And because it being so cold and snowy here, I just want veg on the couch and watch TV.

I haven't had victory in every decision I have made, but I still feel empowered. I don't have to let one bad decision derail me. It is celebrating the small victories - drinking more water, eating more fruits and vegetables during the day, getting on the treadmill.

Resisting the cravings of this world is going to be a life long battle. And it isn't always going to be food doing the tempting. It could be the craving of material possessions or the craving of me-time. But just as Christ has given the power to overcome food cravings, His power is more than sufficient to satisfy those cravings, too.

Made To Crave - You're Invited!

I am on the brink of starting another Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study. I am sad to say that I have not yet finished one. But I am hoping this is the one that sets me on a straight way. It is such a perfect boost into the New Year. The book that we will be going through is called Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God, Not Food by Lysa TerKeurst. I am very excited about it.

Every year, I seem to tell myself that I want to lose weight. And it is an ongoing battle every single year. At the end of last summer, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 15 pounds. All of it by controlling what I ate. I didn't do any exercise. I was really proud of myself. Then I fell off the wagon and stopped going. I have also gained some of the weight back.

On Tuesday, I joined a gym. My mom is also a member, so I do have her encouragement to actually go. We went to a Zumba class last night…my first experience with it. I am also being a little more mindful about what I am eating too.

There is shame with being overweight. It could be 20, 50, 100 pounds…anything. Clothes don't fit right and maybe uncomfortable. Causing you to be uncomfortable in the experience. You wonder if people are watching you eat thinking "how can that person sit there and eat all that food." It isn't fun.

It is more than being uncomfortable in your own skin. It is also about health. I am putting myself at risk because of laziness and poor eating habits. My family is full of heart disease. I should want to do everything in my ability to stay away from that same fate.

Weight goes much deeper than just physical appearance and even health issues. It is a spiritual battle. How can I honor God with my body if I am unhappy, ashamed, unable? I can't. I am choosing myself over God. So more than just losing any weight, I am hoping to regain my relationship with the Lord and learn how He is the only thing that can truly satisfy. Not food, not people, not things. For me, it isn't a matter of not understanding it, it is a matter of it not being in my heart, not fully trusting God to fulfill me and turning to food instead.

Whether it is food or something else, we often times turn towards other things to satisfy us when we were created to crave God. I encourage you to join! This will be a great study because God is going to do GREAT things!

I Believe

At first, I didn't know what I wanted to write about for the Blog Hop. And then it jumped into my head. One of the questions for the chapter 1 Reflection Questions asked if one of the promises that had been mentioned in the previous question spoke to our greatest need right now. I answered with "See, I am doing a new thing!" from Isaiah 43:19.

When I woke up the next morning, this phrase ran through my head over and over and over.

I believe God's Word is true, no questions asked. But since my Christian walk is not where it should be, I choose to believe God will not work in my life that way because my faith is not where it should be. But I belive God is able to work however and in whatever manner He chooses.

"See, I am doing a new thing!"

In the last several months, I have been thinking about where God wants me. If I move back home to Ohio, which is where I really feel like I am being led, I would have to find a job in an area that has struggled to recover after being hit hard by the economy. But this week, I found out that I am going to be working from home full time. This may allow me to move back to Ohio without finding a new job. I believe if Ohio is where God wants me He will provide a way no matter the obstacles.

"See, I am doing a new thing!"

God isn't asking for my help to change the circumstances in my life. I often try to take control of the reins, then fail, then doubt. Those negatives thoughts start to invade my thoughts.
"I can't do this."
"I am not good enough."
"why should I expect anything different?"

But if I would listen and trust God, He is saying, "See, I am doing a new thing!" He may also add, "Colleen, please get out of my way and let me do this." :)

I am getting in the way of seeing God work in my life because I doubt. I look back and see what I want to see. I am not looking at the situations where God has evidently worked in my life to get me where I am today. Evidence that I can be confident in...that I should be able to live in and trust God, not just trust in God. Believe God and not just believe in God. There is a difference and I am starting to understand what it means in my life.

Been There, Didn't Finish, Loved It!

I changed the title a little bit. I participated in the last study Proverbs 31 Ministries OBS, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God. Unfortunately, I fizzled out. Keeping up with my personal relationshp with God is a constant struggle for me. I started off very strong with the last study. I worked on it every night and really enjoyed what I was learning, reading the different blogs on the Blog Hop and learning about other women during Tweet It Up Tuesdays.

Then one night, my schedule kept me out late and I didn't work on the study. Then I didn't do it the next night either. But instead of just working at my own pace to continue, which is completely encouraged, I stopped. I said no to God.

Thankfully, God's mercies are new every morning. And I can start fresh again.

Confidence is something I struggle with, even in my relationship with God. The feeling of unworthiness can be overwhelming at times. But God doesn't look at me that way, which is completely baffling. He loves me even though I am covered in the grime and muck of this world. He loves me when I don't believe in myself.

In God's perfect timing, this study is starting when my job security is very shaky. My company was acquired this week and right now I am in limbo as I wait to hear what the future of my position will be. God has a plan for me and I can't forget that. He knew this was coming and knows how it will shake out. I have a constant bubble of nervousness in my stomach. My confidence is pretty low.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me during this study!

Consistency and a Little Puppy Love

One year ago, I took home a little 6-pound black puppy. And the night before, I didn't think it was going to happen. Let me explain....

The brother of a friend of my mom's had a dog that had a litter of puppies. These puppies had the most adorable little faces. I wanted a dog, but figured I would rescue one. I really wasn't interested in getting a puppy. But these faces...I couldn't resist. There was one girl dog and I wanted her to be mine.

My mom lives in Ohio and I live in Pennslyvania. I was attending a wedding the next weekend, so I would have to wait until the following weekend to pick up the puppy. This was fine with the seller. So the next weekend, I made the 4-hour trip to Ohio. After I arrived, my mom had to tell me that the seller didn't want to give the puppy up. They had grown attached to her. My mom's friend was trying to help out by texting and calling her brother, letting him know that this wasn't right. But he wasn't budging. I was devastated, sobbing because I wasn't going to get this dog. Because I had grown attached, too.

Thankfully the next morning, my mom's friend called and said she had the dog and we could come and pick her up. Oh, happiness!! That morning, we picked up my new precious little puppy who I named Luna. Her full name is Luna Starr (2 r's) Jones.

I actually can't believe that a year has passed already. She is my little buddy. We have definitely had our ups and downs. Potty training was not fun. But she is a smart dog and LOVES people. Currently, we are in the middle of a beginner training class. It has been a challenge for both of us, but we are learning a lot.

Just like in anything, it takes consistency. And that is a struggle for me. I have to be consistent so Luna recognizes the commands I give her. I have to work with her at home. She isn't going to master the commands in an hour-long class once a week. It is going to take time and lots of treats, but eventually she will understand what I expect her to do. It takes practice so she learns the behavior.

That is one area I am working on as I participate in an online Bible study through Proverbs 31 ministries. It would be so easy for me to slip off the track and no one would notice. Over 24,000 thousand woman from all over the world are participating. So if I drop off the map, it wouldn't make a difference, right? Wrong! It would make a difference for me. I would miss out on all the blessings of being a part of this community of woman who want to say yes to God.

I am struggle with doing daily devotions and spending time with God. But I can easily fill my time with things that I don't need to do. I have really enjoyed working on this study and it has only been one week. Hopefully, this excitement will keep me going, so that I will learn the behavior God expects from.

So I will keeping working with Luna on her behavior and keeping working on mine as well.