Monday, November 18, 2013

2 Years

In August, I wrote about days that at one time had no meaning and then one event changed that date. November 18 is one of those days for me. Two years ago, November 18 became a day that would change my perspective on everything. On Friday, November18, 2011, my dad passed away.

We knew that my dad's death was imminent, but that didn't make it any easier. There are particular moments of that day that I will always hold very close to my heart, ones that I can remember like it was yesterday.

Only a few hours earlier, my brother and I had gone to the cemetery to pick out the place where my dad would be laid rest. It felt like we were picking out land to build a house. I remember exchanging looks with my brother when we saw a plat map of the cemetery and all the graves. He is buried with tens of thousands of other people and only half the cemetery has been developed.

While the days that followed were very difficult, it was months later when I was deep in a really dark place. All motivation was gone. I didn't care about anything. I could have sat at my desk at work for 8 hours just staring at my computer screen and then come home and laid on the couch the rest of the night. I was so unhappy.  That is the only way I can describe it, just unhappy.

Thankfully, the time has past.

My dad has missed so many things where he would have played a big role. My brother re-married in a place my dad would have loved to visit. He would have become a grandfather. And my niece will never know him. He would have met my pride and joy - my dog, Luna.

But it is the everyday things that I think I miss the most. When I ever had a cooking or baking question, my dad was the first one I would have called. He made cookies a lot and every time I make some, I think about him. We would recipe swap. It was something that only I shared with him.

He took beautiful pictures. He even was recognized for this picture he took of swans. My mom has this picture hanging in her house. My sister-in-law surprised my brother and had this picture matted and framed for their wedding. I already have pictures that he took that I want to put up in my own house someday. There is something comforting about knowing these pictures were something he saw as beautiful.

Even though the emotions of losing my dad are close to the surface, I also know how absolutely blessed I am to have the father that I did. So many people have unavailable fathers - physically and emotionally. My dad was available and wanted to be available. I have good things to remember, cherish and share with those who loved him too. 

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